In the weeks after my father died, I was numb. And then one day, about two months later, bam—I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. My neck muscles were so tight I couldn’t turn my head, my stomach churned in ways unrelated to hunger, my jaw was clenched shut, and my limbs were heavy with exhaustion. The physical effects of grief had finally caught up with me.
Over the next few years, these physical health issues came in waves—sometimes a headache so sharp I had to lie down, other times a tightness in my throat as if I were perpetually on the verge of tears. This response to loss isn’t unusual: One study found that nearly 26% of adults with severe grief reported negative effects not just on their mental health, but also physical. These can include trouble sleeping, illness, infection, and even heart problems.
If your grief literally hurts, know that it’s normal. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult to navigate. Here’s what the experts have to say about why grief shows up in the body and how to cope with it.
Grief can trigger a ton of physical symptoms.
“Grief is the natural response to the loss of someone or something that is very important to us. It often involves feelings of intense sadness, emptiness, guilt, anger, and even numbness,” Mikki Lee, PsyD, a psychologist at Clarity Therapy NYC in Manhattan, tells SELF. “We tend to think of grief as an emotional experience,” Dr. Lee adds, “but it can affect the body in many ways, as the mind and the body are deeply connected.”
When you experience a deep loss like losing a parent, the link between your emotions and physical sensations isn’t just metaphorical—it’s biological. “The intense emotional stress of loss activates your body’s ‘fight-or-flight’ response, also known as your sympathetic nervous system,” says Dr. Lee. “This releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, which can cause physical symptoms of grief, such as chest tightness, fatigue, changes in digestion, and immune suppression.”
The vagus nerve—the part of your nervous system that’s responsible for regulating various unconscious bodily functions like your heart rate, immune response, and digestion—plays a major role in these symptoms. After all, its job is to counteract the stress response and help the body return to a sense of calm. When the nervous system perceives grief as a threat, it can impair the vagus nerve’s ability to regulate these critical processes, further contributing to physical symptoms, Juliet Kuehnle, LCMHC, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and owner of Sun Counseling and Wellness in Charlotte, North Carolina, tells SELF. I experienced this firsthand, dropping nearly 20 pounds in my first year of grief from appetite loss and relentless nausea.
What’s more, “experiencing grief can even increase inflammation and weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to illness,” says Dr. Lee.
Other physical symptoms of grief include:
- Nausea or upset stomach
- Muscle pain, tension, or weakness
- Headaches
- Dizziness
- Difficulty breathing
- Lethargy
- Increased heart rate
- Irregular heartbeat
- Increased blood pressure
- Insomnia
- Appetite loss or excessive eating
- Acid reflux
These symptoms don’t just randomly occur—they’re your body’s way of processing deep emotional pain. “Our physical sensations can mirror the emotional heaviness of loss,” says Kuehnle. “Learning to listen to these bodily cues is important.”
What’s more, research shows that emotional pain activates the parts of your brain associated with physical pain, “making grief literally feel painful,” says Dr. Lee. For example, I would often wake up the morning after a difficult grief day (or night) with aching, throbbing pain in my left lower neck that would linger for weeks or even months at a time.
“Broken heart syndrome” is another common physical manifestation of grief that I experienced. For me, that meant chest tightness and difficulty breathing during particularly intense bouts of grief. For others, it’s been linked to serious complications like stroke, heart attack, and heart failure. And there’s a biological reason for it: Broken heart syndrome occurs when intense emotional stress causes your heart to temporarily stop pumping properly, leading to symptoms like chest pain, shortness of breath, and fainting.
There are a few ways to tell that your physical pain is connected to grief.
Because grief symptoms can be so physical and vary from person to person, it’s easy to mistake them for unrelated health issues. Were my nonstop bouts of cold and flu the result of early grief, or were they merely a seasonal coincidence? Was my neck pain from emotional turmoil and restless, nightmarish sleep, or was I just lying at an odd angle?
“Context matters,” says Kuehnle. “If you experience the sensations when you have a reminder of your loss or during times of sadness, it’s likely tied to grief. You might also find that these physical sensations are accompanied by emotional responses like sadness or yearning.”
According to Dr. Lee, here are some other clues your bodily ailments are grief-related:
- They began shortly after a loss.
- They fluctuate in intensity and come in waves.
- There’s no obvious medical explanation.
- They improve with self-care.
Addressing both the mental and physical parts of grief is critical for healing.
There’s no doubt that grief is emotionally and physically painful, and shying away from that pain is a common response. When I shelved grief to get through a busy workday, social event, or even just errands, physical symptoms like muscle pain, headache, appetite loss, and nausea would flare more than usual.
It’s essential to address the emotional and physical sides of grief in tandem—ignore one, and the other suffers. Suppress the emotions, and your body will remind you. Disregard the physical symptoms, and the emotional load becomes harder to bear. Worse, prolonged neglect can take a lasting toll on your health.
Indeed, Dr. Lee notes that unprocessed grief can eventually lead to actual health problems, including chronic stress, burnout, and health conditions such as high blood pressure and heart disease. In fact, many of the physical consequences of grief arise when you don’t listen to and address your body’s needs, she says. For instance, one study found that after losing a spouse, people tended to neglect their health—eating less nutritiously, skipping meals, drinking more alcohol, moving less, and sleeping less. They were also at elevated risk for heart disease, inflammatory conditions, and immune dysfunction.
Of course, giving your body what it needs to actually process loss and stress is much easier said than done. Work, everyday obligations, and my once-busy social life demanded my time and attention long before I was able to give it. Forcing myself back into these “normal” routines and behaviors came at a steep cost, leaving me with lingering physical and emotional pain that I’ve only just started to recover from more than two years after the fact.
“Give yourself permission and time to honor both your emotional and physical pain to navigate grief more effectively,” says Kuehnle. “Self-care in this context is nonnegotiable.” This bears repeating: If you’ve been sidelining your grief, drop everything and make it your top priority now.
To help, experts recommend the following strategies:
“The most important way you can help yourself while grieving is to take care of yourself and your needs,” says Dr. Lee. This includes filling your body with nutritious food, staying well-hydrated, and doing your best to get adequate rest.
Though this may seem obvious, grief made even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming or pointless for me. But focusing on meeting your essential needs first will lay the foundation for eventually finding the physical ability to do more.
“Learn to listen to your body, acknowledge what it's experiencing, and address it with compassion,” says Kuehnle. “This is a key part of the holistic journey in grief, supporting both your emotional processing and your physical well-being.”
Not sure how to do this? One simple way is to tune in to your body and notice any sensations, Erica Schwartzberg, LMSW, a somatic psychotherapist at A Good Place Therapy in New York City, tells SELF.
Want to take it a step further? You may want to explore somatic therapy, a type of therapy based on the understanding that trauma resides not only in your mind, but also your body. While there are various subtypes, the core idea is to identify the sensations of trauma and learn how to move through them. This allows you to release physical stress rather than just desensitizing yourself to it.
Somatic therapy was without a doubt the most transformative tool in my grief toolkit. I learned how to sit with the physical discomfort of grief so that my body could fully release stress and naturally return to calm, instead of (unsuccessfully) trying to suppress those sensations. Over time, this trained my body to respond less intensely.
Because grief causes an intense physical stress response, engaging in activities that soothe your nervous system can help. Kuehnle recommends practices like:
- Breathing with long exhales to release chest tightness
- Using acupressure points to relieve tightness; try lightly tugging on your earlobes or gently rubbing the side of your neck around your pulse
- Humming or gargling for one minute to soothe your vagus nerve
Grief can cause physical stagnation and lethargy. As someone who’s typically active, I found it near-impossible to maintain my usual activities without becoming too drained to manage basic tasks or other forms of self-care.
Dr. Lee recommends gentle activities like yoga, walks, or stretching to help your body release stress and get yourself in motion without overdoing it.
Therapy can be instrumental in helping you process grief holistically, says Dr. Lee. Whether that’s somatic therapy, one-on-one counseling, or support groups, talking to a professional can help you understand and heal the emotional and physical aspects of loss.
The same goes for other medical professionals. If you’re dealing with chronic symptoms like digestive issues, insomnia, or muscle pain, visit your doctor to see if there are additional treatment options to address the toll that grief has taken on your mind and body.
Healing from grief takes time: While these steps can help lighten the load, there’s no timeline for feeling “better.” I’m nearly three years out from my loss and still feel its weight, though these strategies have helped it evolve into something I can carry. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you grow into the new version of who you are—one shaped by the depth of what you’ve felt and the strength it takes to keep moving forward.
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