It’s easy to put sex in its own little box, locked away from the rest of your life—something to do at night, in a bedroom, when the vibe is right and you’re in the mood. But it can be tough to get the fire going when you’re starting from zero. That’s why sexting, or exchanging sexy texts, can be so clutch: Working dirty talk into everyday life can keep the flames of desire smoldering when you’re not having sex, Gigi Engle, COSRT-registered sex and relationships psychotherapist based in the United Kingdom and lead intimacy expert at dating app 3Fun, tells SELF. This way, you’ll build intimacy and anticipation outside of the bedroom so that what happens inside it (or wherever you hook up) is all the hotter.
Beyond ramping up how close you feel to a partner and keeping the spark lit, sexting is a low-lift way to practice sexual communication, Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sexual and relational communication professor at California State University, Fullerton, and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast, tells SELF. For example, it’ll probably feel way less awkward to tell someone they’re a dirty little slut (or insert your preferred label here!) for the first time from behind a screen than while gazing into their eyes. And as you engage with filthy banter via text, you’ll boost your sexual self-esteem and get more comfortable sharing your desires IRL, Dr. Tara says.
You can also get creative and explore fantasies or role-play scenarios while sexting that you might not want to carry out in person, Engle notes. For instance, maybe you think it sounds hot to text your partner, “I want you to come on my face,” but that’s not a thing you really want to experience. Sexting lets you try out different sexual personas or dynamics in a low-stakes way and with the benefit of time to think through your responses, Engle says.
But no matter how great sexting may seem in theory, actually diving in and putting yourself out there can feel a little cringey at best (and totally mortifying at worst). So we asked four sex experts for all their tips on how to sext and feel like your hottest self while doing it.
Before doing anything: Gauge the interest of your would-be recipient and get their consent.
As with any sex act, consent is required here, as is mutual interest. Just directly asking the other person if they’re open to sexting will work, Engle says. Chatting about it beforehand can also help remove some of the trepidation you might feel about firing off that first message, she adds. They’re less likely to be confused by it or shut you down if you’ve talked it through.
Another reason to check first: Some people have phones issued by work or that they use for both personal and work purposes, and explicit language could violate rules for how they’re supposed to use that device, Lexx Brown-James, EdD, LMFT, director of the Sexual Health Certificate Program at the University of Michigan’s School of Social Work, tells SELF.
Not to mention, asking can help you sort through the logistics of time and place—you might not want to send them three eggplant emojis when they’re sharing their screen at work or tell them how much you loved feeling their [insert body part] last night while they’re in the midst of dinner with their kids, for instance. Even if they’re just busy, it can suck to be waiting on a reply to a saucy text for a prolonged period of time, Dr. Brown-James says. Hence why you want to get on the same page about if and when they’re generally into sexting before diving straight in.
It also doesn’t hurt to double-check (hell, even triple-check) that you’re sexting the right person before you actually hit send on anything, Dr. Brown-James adds: Being on the receiving end of a sext from a friend may be awkward in a funny way—but sending a sext to your boss, parent, sibling, or PTA group chat? Not so much.
Start simple, then layer on the descriptions and the adjectives.
It doesn’t have to be carnal, Dr. Brown-James says. And it probably shouldn’t be right off the bat. Dr. Tara suggests starting out with energy compliments—for instance, “Your energy is so sexy.” You can also try some playful teasing to signal the vibe, she adds, like: “Guess what I’m wearing right now?” And when they ask: “That naughty lingerie you got me.”
Once you’re both on board with what’s happening, you can pile on more descriptive words. As Engle says, it’s easy to see how just adding “juicy,” “wet,” or “thick” to the imaginary scene you’re painting or compliment you’re dishing out could make it very filthy.
Todd Baratz, LMHC, psychotherapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and member of the plusOne Wellness Collective, recommends focusing on sensory details to take things up a notch. Maybe you’ve raved about their physical appearance—but is there some way they smell, or feel, or taste when they’re at their sexiest that you can describe? Or flip the script and use that same lens to portray characteristics of yourself being turned on by them. Whichever you choose, serve it up piecemeal—just a few lines max at a time, Dr. Brown-James says: “Reading a dissertation in a text can kill the vibe.”
If you’ve hooked up with them before, describe your favorite parts about it…
A simple approach is just reminiscing on the best sexy encounter you’ve had with this person (if they’re a regular partner) or the most recent one. As Dr. Brown-James says, you don’t have to be an erotic novelist; you just have to jog your own memory. Any specific thing you loved about that hookup or something you know you want to do again with them will work here, like: “I’m still thinking about when you went down on me last weekend,” or “I literally can’t wait until the next time you [insert spicy thing they did here].”
…Or paint the picture of an ideal future sex session.
Maybe you haven’t gotten physical with them yet—or there’s just some sexual avenue you haven’t explored together. Engle suggests taking a minute to think about what that might look like and asking yourself what would be most arousing in a future hookup: Is there a certain sex toy you’d like to bring in? Do you want to try bondage? Role-play? Whatever it is, use your imagination to depict the experience you want to have with them.
If they’re not catching your drift, pause to offer more context.
Let’s say you start recounting your last romp in graphic detail or elucidating why they’re so damn fine, and they’re giving you little more than one-word responses (or, worse yet, settling for mere heart or thumbs-up reactions). Engle herself has been there. She suggests taking a step back and sharing a bit about what you’re trying to achieve in a straightforward (but not aggressive) way. Explain briefly why sexting matters to you, and follow it up with a request: “Would it be possible for you to give me back what I’m serving?” According to Engle, most people who are game to sext are also happy to be more engaged if their partner asks.
Use your fantasies as fodder for inspiration.
Since sexting isn’t actually sex, it can also function as a low-risk setting to explore kink. Maybe you have a fantasy about having sex in public, and the idea of someone else seeing you is thrilling. Or perhaps there are specific kinds of role-play that really get you off—like the scenario of a nurse and their patient, or a boss and their assistant. You can use any and all of that to guide your sexting forays. As Engle points out, this isn’t an essay you’re turning in at school or submitting for publication—so feel free to lift ideas directly from your favorite pieces of erotic material. The truth is, nobody cares if what you say isn’t wholly original. Certain fantasies become cliché for a reason: Tons of people find them hot. So put yourself in the POV of a porn star, and describe exactly what’s happening, she says.
And if you don’t know what imaginary scenarios would really do it for you? It’s time for some sexy homework. Digging into audio erotica, smut, and ethical porn can expand your sexual horizons. (Even steamy sex scenes in movies can get your creative juices flowing.)
Whatever scenario you wind up portraying, just note that if it’s not something you ever want to act out IRL, you should plan to have a separate convo with your partner to make that clear afterward. Engle suggests sending a text a few hours later to clarify—for instance, “I really liked that sexting session we had, but I just wanted to let you know that that’s something that lives in my head rather than something I’d want to try.” Remember that you’re not letting anybody down, she adds: “Certain things can remain in the fantasy realm and other things can be in your sex life, and neither of those is better than the other.”
Ask questions that invite them to weigh in.
Remember the little tease about wearing lingerie? Just letting them know that you’re clad in something skimpy, or wrapped in only a towel, or naked in bed (you get the picture) can be a hot enough visual to prompt them to lead the exchange. You can follow that up with a classic: “If you were here, what would you do to me?” Engle suggests. And depending on how they respond, egging them on even further can be just as arousing. Lay on the enthusiasm and validation before asking, “And then what? What else would you do to me?”
Or just go in with a leading question to see if they surface an idea that you can take and run with. Dr. Tara suggests a simple, “What’s your favorite sex position?” or “Where do you wish you could touch me right now?” Even opening up the floor for them to share one of their fantasies might reveal new ways you could tease them the next time you sext.
Consider working in some audio or visuals (or both).
Take it from me, a writer: You don’t need anything beyond words to get a message across. But that also doesn’t negate the power of a picture or the sound of your voice to add a little dimension (and maybe speed things up a bit by sparing them ye ol’ paragraph of text to read). Hearing your words in a voice note can be more exciting than just seeing them, Engle says, since they can pick up your tone. And a photo or video can plunk them right into the sexual scene you’re both creating.
Dr. Brown-James just suggests discussing it first if you’re planning on swapping any additional media, “since once you put something out there, there is no getting it back.” For much the same reason, Engle also recommends keeping your face and any distinct tattoos out of any raunchy pictures or videos you choose to send. Another tip? Have a bank of sexy pics you’re comfortable sharing at the ready, so you don’t feel the need to reinvent the wheel each time. (ICYMI: You can find our full guide to taking hot nudes right this way.)
Pick up the pace by moving toward a climax.
It might be fun to keep a sexting convo fluid and open-ended, perhaps with a long-term partner. But you also probably don’t want to take things to a super hot and heavy place and then abruptly abandon ship—or you risk leaving the person on the other side wondering whether you suddenly weren’t feeling it…or just got busy. So if you need to wrap things up for any reason and you’ve been in a consistent back-and-forth, Engle suggests steering the conversation toward orgasm and describing what that would feel and look like for you. This way, your partner is aware that the conversation is heading to its happy conclusion and you can attend to whatever’s drawing you away without leaving them hanging.
If you misfire, don’t sweat it—really.
Sexting requires some experimentation, at least at first, to figure out what you and your partner vibe with. And not all of your shots are going to hit the bullseye on the first attempt. “If you send something that’s not their thing, don’t take it personally,” Baratz says. It’s better to pause, check in with them, and try a new angle than to continue down a path that feels off. “Consent, comfort, and mutual arousal matter most,” he says.
By the same token, both Engle and Dr. Tara emphasize not overthinking your messages or taking sexting too seriously. The point is to have fun! Yes, both of you might say some awkward stuff along the way, “and you just have to be able to live with that,” Engle says.
And don’t forget to check in with your partner later.
Much like the practice of aftercare, which involves tending to your and a partner’s physical and psychological needs post-sex, Engle says it’s a good idea to follow up with a partner within a few hours of a steamy sexting session to see how they’re doing and share what you each liked and perhaps didn’t like about the experience. Maybe you said something in the heat of the moment that you feel weird about now, or you set an expectation that you’re not sure you can deliver on. Or you realize your partner said something that isn’t sitting right. Taking the time to regroup can open the door for those conversations—and also allow you to relive the hottest moments and get ideas for future sexting exploits to come.
Related:
- Here’s How to Have Phone Sex That’s Actually Hot and Fun
- 16 Ways to Make Your Masturbation Routine Even Hotter
- What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Mismatched Sex Drives
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