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The fight-or-flight response—when a threat kicks on your sympathetic nervous system, revving up your pulse and breathing rate—makes sense when you consider our ancestors (however unhelpful it may be in modern settings). If they came face-to-face with a bear, they’d have needed the surge in energy and oxygen to either fight it or flee. But for our female ancestors, who would have borne the extra duty of protecting their children from such danger, it may have been less safe or feasible to throw punches or just skedaddle—and far more helpful to calm down their kids and tap their network for support. Hence, the basis of the “tend-and-befriend” response, which psychologist Shelley E. Taylor, PhD, theorized in 2000 as a more apt depiction of the stress response in women.
Because tending and befriending would’ve helped our female ancestors survive, Dr. Taylor and her team proposed that certain biological cues evolved to make it an instinct—namely, a surge of oxytocin amid stress that encourages bonding and also, critically, promotes feelings of calm to temper the situation. It’s the same hormone responsible for all the warm-and-fuzzies you get even when you’re taking care of someone else. But while there might’ve been some key evolutionary reasons for the tend-and-befriend response to become ingrained in women, everyone can find comfort in connection.
Just consider a baby’s first instinct when they’re scared: They’re going to seek out their mother or primary caregiver, Gabrielle Usatynski, LPC, a Boulder, Colorado–based therapist and author of The Power Couple Formula, tells SELF. “Our go-to stress response is an attempt to establish safety through social engagement,” she says. After all, at a basic level, we’re a tribal society, and there’s strength in numbers. Also worth noting: Folks of any sex can get that positive boost of oxytocin when they care for and connect with others.
And yet these days it’s all too common to get stuck in the less supportive fight, flight, or even freeze defenses. Read on to learn why you might not instinctively tend and befriend in tense moments (sex and gender aside), as well as the benefits of taking such a socially fueled approach to stress, and how to make that easier and more natural to do.
A barrage of forces can keep you from engaging in the tend-and-befriend response to stress.
Plenty of societal norms may have divorced us from our natural tendency to share and care in moments of stress. For starters, “we live in a highly individualistic culture that prizes personal autonomy, perseverance, and being self-sufficient,” Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a Sonoma, California–based clinical psychologist and author of Joy From Fear, tells SELF. It’s no wonder people often hesitate to reach out to others when things get overwhelming: They’re afraid of being seen as weak, Dr. Manly says.
You might also just feel like you don’t have the right folks to connect with when you’re going through it—as Usatynski points out, we’re in an epidemic of social isolation, thanks not only to our hyperindependent culture but also to the increasing shift to digital (versus IRL) interactions in nearly every facet of life. Chances are, your natural instinct won’t be to “tend and befriend” in a moment of stress if you haven’t seen a real human in days.
Certain aspects of your upbringing could also make you less likely to process stress socially. For instance, if you didn’t have a caregiver who tended to your needs when you were little, “your nervous system can get used to thinking, ‘Okay, I have to duke out every issue on my own because nobody is there to protect me,’” Usatynski says. The result could be an avoidant attachment style. Instead of gravitating toward others in moments of stress, you may naturally push them away, succumbing to automatic fight-or-flight mode. On a deeper level, regularly being denied the support you need could mislead you to believe you’re not deserving of it, Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist, tells SELF.
And yet, learning to embrace the tend-and-befriend response can help you move through stress more smoothly.
As mentioned above, caring for someone else in a moment of stress can be as feel-good for you as it is for them. Part of that is neurochemical: Oxytocin sparks the urge to bond, which triggers the release of even more oxytocin in a supremely soothing cycle. But there’s also just the natural human response to improving someone else’s mood or mental state. “You see your loved one’s smile, and that brings a smile to your face,” Usatynski says. Even tending to a pet (or a few animals at a shelter) can have this effect, Dr. Daramus points out.
Lending a helping hand to a loved one also has a way of psychologically separating you from your stressors. “It’s very easy to get self-absorbed and caught up in your worries when you’re going through a hard time,” Usatynski says. “But helping others can get you out of your own head.” Not to mention, it puts you in a position of control, Dr. Daramus says. Successfully calming down someone else can remind you of your capability to do the same for yourself.
The sense of agency that comes with tending can even make you feel more safe in a totally uncontrollable situation, like a natural disaster. Dr. Manly, who’s been evacuated from her home three times since 2017 due to wildfires, has witnessed people offer shelter to strangers, provide safe spaces for animals, and comfort fellow evacuees in the aftermath of such tragedies. While none of these tend-and-befriend behaviors could change the devastating reality of the situation, they certainly helped people more effectively manage the stress of it, she says, and in so doing, “made room for empathy and hope.”
Of course, there’s plenty of stress relief to be gained from connecting with others on a more regular basis too. You know this first-hand if you’ve ever felt a little bit better or more confident about a work or relationship struggle after commiserating with a friend, Dr. Manly says. It’s no wonder ample research suggests a strong social network can help you navigate rough patches more easily and is associated with better mental health long-term.
How to lean into tending and befriending so you can take advantage of this beneficial stress response
Yes, your stress response occurs subconsciously—but that instinct is shaped by both genetics and lived experience, so “we do have the power to change it,” Dr. Manly says.
Turning toward a tend-and-befriend response starts with figuring out how and when you’re falling into fight-or-flight (and whether there might be triggers you need to work through) as well as deepening your social circle. While that might include making more friends, there’s also plenty you can do to bolster the connections you have, so it feels more comfortable and intuitive to reach out during stressful times.
You have to know how you naturally react to stress in order to intervene in that process. It’s key to know whether you’re a fighter, fleer, or freezer, Usatynski says. The tricky thing is, “these patterns are often unfolding below our conscious awareness,” she says. If you’re unsure what you tend to do in a tense situation, she suggests enlisting a few loved ones to figure it out. For instance, you might ask them, “How do I come across when I’m under threat? Do I get big and scary? Do I withdraw? Or, do I just shut down and walk out of the room?” You can encourage them to be gentle—but honest—in their responses, as it’s a sensitive subject. But in general, the more aware you are of your stress tendencies, the better equipped you’ll be to shift those behaviors.
In the midst of a fight-or-flight response, you won’t have all your wits about you—so it can be tough to even think about phoning a friend. Here’s where you want to have a few grounding strategies in your back pocket. Dr. Manly recommends mindfulness tools, like deep, diaphragmatic breathing or a simple 5-4-3-2-1 practice (where you identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste) to help you swiftly self-regulate a bit.
Dr. Daramus suggests flipping on what she calls a step-down playlist, which starts with songs that will match your fearful or distressed or angry vibe, and then slowly transitions song-by-song to the calm or happy energy you want. (It’s great to compile it when you’re not mid-freakout so you can just turn it on the next time stress reigns.)
Any of these simple soothing techniques can bring you back down to a place of sound judgement, from which it may feel more instinctive to tend and befriend.
As Usatynski puts it, our brains are “exquisitely sensitive” to anything we find threatening in our environment—and that includes the little riffs in our relationships. Even if it’s just a weird look or a response to something mundane that feels off, we often cling to these negative bits and can wind up feeling less at ease with our loved ones as a result.
It’s the reason Usatynski recommends creating frequent “corrective experiences”—or positive moments of engagement with the people you love—to “diffuse your brain’s threat response system and make you feel completely safe with them.” That means handing out praise liberally and finding ways to show your appreciation for them and make their day a little brighter. These interactions can certainly be digital, but it’s even better if they’re IRL. Usatynski emphasizes that we need proximity—face-to-face, eye-to-eye contact—with flesh-and-blood humans to make our brains feel comfortable with them. Only when you have this underlying current of positivity and safety in a relationship will you feel confident that, “yes, this is a person I can rely on, they know how I tick, and they will be able to make me feel better when I’m down,” Usatynski says.
It’s helpful to really tune in to how your close friends and family members are doing on a day-to-day basis, Usatynski says. Much like a good parent is keenly aware of a young child’s mental state, when they might be flustered, and what would soothe them, having some recognition of when a friend or partner is stressed out can make tending to them more intuitive and connective.
Just consider the opposite scenario: If you approach a relationship with more of a laissez-faire, “Let me know what you need!” attitude, Usatynski says, neither of you might feel like you can really lean on each other during tough times. Whereas if you pay more attention to your loved ones, you can learn to anticipate what they might need when they’re in trouble, making it both easier and more gratifying to tend to them.
As mentioned above, if your childhood caregiver didn’t meet your needs or oscillated between being supportive and neglectful, or you experienced any kind of abuse, you might find the tend-and-befriend response counterintuitive, or even threatening, Dr. Manly says. It only makes sense that you wouldn’t feel inclined to reach out or offer support to others when you didn’t benefit from the care of the person who was supposed to protect you. Instead, even a small moment of stress can turn into a serious trigger, sending you into fight-or-flight mode.
It’s important to work through these kinds of unresolved childhood wounds with a trained therapist or mental health professional, Dr. Manly says. Psychotherapy oriented toward self-regulation and mitigating your trauma response can help you become more in tune with the tend-and-befriend response and the benefits it can bring, she says. (If you’re in need of one, here’s our full guide to finding a great therapist you can afford.)
It can feel awkward or uncomfortable to tend and befriend amid stress if you feel, deep-down, like you’re not worthy of care from others. As noted, experiences of isolation, abandonment, or neglect in your formative years can create the false narrative that you have to go it alone during tough times and that others should do the same. But these myths negate a natural function of humanity: both giving and receiving support.
To help her clients see that perspective, Dr. Daramus often externalizes the concept: “I’ll say to them, ‘If it was somebody else in your situation, what would your advice to them be?’ And nearly every time, they’ll suggest reaching out to friends and family.” This often helps them realize that they’re no different in the compassion and care they deserve, she says.
Dr. Daramus’s other tip? Just push through the icky feeling even one time, and see what happens. You might be surprised by the support you receive in return and how you’re both able to uplift each other—even if what’s stressing you out isn’t readily resolvable. “Over time, as you mindfully lean into more connective responses during times of stress,” Dr. Manly says, “you’ll rewire your brain to find tending and befriending more natural.”
Related:
- Asking for Help Is So Damn Hard. Here’s How to Make It Easier
- How to Actually Maintain Close Friendships in Your 30s
- These Stress-Relief Activities Actually Work, According to Therapists
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